Company Awards Ceremony Gifts

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

"Let's start with an icebreaker..."

'And this year's 'Inquisitive Learner Award' goes to...'

'Got to admit,as far as mission statements go, it's pretty damn bold.'

Signs: Sales, Profit and Media coverage.

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

Win - win

'I got this one for thinking outside the box.'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Clowns in the board room: 'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to, well, pie.'

"Remember, if I can't introduce you it's because I can't remember their name - so that's when you step in and introudce yourself so we can get them to say it, okay?" - Company Party Prep.

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

Business Target

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

'Gerald, it's so nice to see you finally getting closer to your employees.'

"It's not bulls**t if we call it strategy."

'You can't put him out to pasture - he owns the pasture!'

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'It could be worse. Imagine what it'd be like if we hadn't gone to that team building session last week.'

Gymnasts falling off the winners pedestal.

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

'All right, I wanna know which one of you really like me and which ones are just networking...'

"Gentlemen, may I present our company's future. A buggy whip... with Bluetooth!"

'Business is booming.' - at Uncle Bert's Explosives

Employee of the Month

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"I always cry at mergers."

'And now I'd like to name this month's recipient of the Dumbest Global E-mail Award...'

"Excellent Simons, I admire a 'yes' man who's not afraid to say 'yes'."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

"This year the endowed chair will go to whomever pulls the sword from the stone."

"Are you sure he tested negative?"