Company Awards Ceremony Pillows

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

Signs: Sales, Profit and Media coverage.

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Win - win

'I got this one for thinking outside the box.'

Clowns in the board room: 'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to, well, pie.'

"Remember, if I can't introduce you it's because I can't remember their name - so that's when you step in and introudce yourself so we can get them to say it, okay?" - Company Party Prep.

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'Gerald, it's so nice to see you finally getting closer to your employees.'

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

Business Target

"It's not bulls**t if we call it strategy."

'You can't put him out to pasture - he owns the pasture!'

'It could be worse. Imagine what it'd be like if we hadn't gone to that team building session last week.'

Gymnasts falling off the winners pedestal.

"Gentlemen, may I present our company's future. A buggy whip... with Bluetooth!"

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

'All right, I wanna know which one of you really like me and which ones are just networking...'

Employee of the Month

'Business is booming.' - at Uncle Bert's Explosives

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"I always cry at mergers."

'And now I'd like to name this month's recipient of the Dumbest Global E-mail Award...'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

"This year the endowed chair will go to whomever pulls the sword from the stone."

"Excellent Simons, I admire a 'yes' man who's not afraid to say 'yes'."

"Are you sure he tested negative?"

"I would like to thank all the big and little and in between people."