Commercial Satire Fan Gifts

"Looks like we found the issue."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fundraiser."

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

Non-Power Breakfast

"He'll do anything to say in power."

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

"You need to stop taking your work home with you. Take mine instead."

Told you...Nonsense compulsive disorder.

'When I said you could name your salary, I meant you could give it a name.'

"Comparing our salaries with the workers' salaries makes me cry...with laughter!"

'To cut back on traveling expenses, we're going to start sending you out as an e-mail attachment.'

Scapegoat of the Year

"It's a swearbox."

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'

Stoneage business ethics: 'But, hey, this 'ethics' stuff isn't carved in stone!'

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

'He insists on being a part of the corporate pipeline.'

"One question, what's a share option?"