Commentary On Society Gifts

"You'd be surprised at how often men still try to show me their penises."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Gee, thanks pal."

"You know, there are other emojis."

The Cougher

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"It isn't much of a dragon, but then, she wasn't much of a maiden."

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

'Due to government surveillance, is my allowance taxable?'

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"Yes, one is a dog."

"Biff's old money, Angelo is new money and Boris is funny money."

"The peasants are revolting Sire."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

Armageddon

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

"National Metaphor Day by the looks of it."

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

Same Sex Marriages.

'We're out of earshot now, so you can drop the phoney, Oxbridge accent.'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."