Comedically Concerned Gifts

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Just look at him- a fool and his money are soon partying!'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

"What fly?"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

To insure Rodney's safe websurfing, Thelma sets her own parental controls.

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

A therapist reads to his patient from a joke book.

"5 second rule!"

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

Clown Firing Squad.

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

'Stop biting your nails son and get to sleep!'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'Achoo! I can't believe I'm allergic to sand. I bet this doesn't end well...'

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'

'Are you crazy! The nest is made of dry grass and twigs: Smoking is a massive fire harzard!'

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

'Dr Phil sez, if I'm gittin' the milk for free, I should do the right thing and marry her!'