Comedically Healthy Gifts

I'm afraid your body is falling apart, Mr. Fusco. The last time I was here you said I had the body of a man half my age. I said you had the body of a man half MY age.

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'Just look at him- a fool and his money are soon partying!'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

"What fly?"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

Cathy decides to remain standing on the scale until she loses weight.

"It's time to end the suffering."

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

A therapist reads to his patient from a joke book.

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

Clown Firing Squad.

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'

Pinocchio on a date: "Before this goes any further, you should know that I've got fungal rot."

'Achoo! I can't believe I'm allergic to sand. I bet this doesn't end well...'

Devils in hell bang on the ceiling as the angels upstairs are being too noisy.

'Dr Phil sez, if I'm gittin' the milk for free, I should do the right thing and marry her!'

'I've got it in pill form, but for really fast relief from panic attacks...'

"Four out of five doctors recommend that you get up and get some exercise."

'Your fitness program really should include more exercise than just pushing yourself away from the table...'

'Hmm...Sofa sores. This is becoming increasingly common in fat blokes.'

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

The result of taking too much soda to correct acidity