Comedically Conscious Gifts

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'Just look at him- a fool and his money are soon partying!'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

Caution. Slippery when wet.

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

"What fly?"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

'He's lookin' at me!'

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

To insure Rodney's safe websurfing, Thelma sets her own parental controls.

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

A therapist reads to his patient from a joke book.

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

'Dang! The water's expired.' (Spring Water).

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

Clown Firing Squad.

'Hi Honey! I wanted to thank you for taking the baby to day care this morning!'

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

'I got the idea from a veterinarian friend of mine.'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'Dr Phil sez, if I'm gittin' the milk for free, I should do the right thing and marry her!'

Pinocchio on a date: "Before this goes any further, you should know that I've got fungal rot."