Comedically Inclined Gifts

"This lovely car has not brought us happiness. You agree, Morris? That is why I am now thinking in terms of having the entire house recarpeted."

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

"Can someone ask Alexa where the liver goes?"

"To be or not to be."

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

Clown Firing Squad.

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

"Early curtain?"

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

"What fly?"

Toy Costumes

'...Followed by fair and warmer tonight.'

'Finish this proverb: One good turn...'

You can't have everything darling, where would you put it?

'Whoops. That's my phone. Would you mind...'

"'Adds body and fullness.' Maybe it's this conditioner and not my diet that's the problem."

The Big Nosh

"For six or more gallstones we add an eighteen percent gratuity.''

Man sneezes money out of the safe.

'Dr Phil sez, if I'm gittin' the milk for free, I should do the right thing and marry her!'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

Pinocchio on a date: "Before this goes any further, you should know that I've got fungal rot."

"If it's any consolation, the Dodgers are squeezing one out too."

"Please sign this contract. It basically states that if you embarrass me while my friends are over, I will be awarded financially for each infraction."

A bird in a viking opera hat sings outside a woman's window.

'You'll be pleased to know that I'm staying in tonight,my love.

Moderately Quick Sand

'She swallowed the schnapps ... '

STRIP Shark diners picking humans in an underwater restaurant

'My business is picking up, too!'

"Under references, I notice you list the wearing of women's underwear."

'Achoo! I can't believe I'm allergic to sand. I bet this doesn't end well...'