Comedically Inclined Graduates Gifts

"My fellow graduates, today we leave behind the trappings of youth, step boldly onto the road of life, and move back in with our parents."

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

"What fly?"

Monkey Business College

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

" 'How I Spent My Sabbatical,' by Professor Harvey Brinkman."

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

Clown Firing Squad.

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'Dr Phil sez, if I'm gittin' the milk for free, I should do the right thing and marry her!'

'You have to stay after school because you got caught in the hall without a pass? But you're homeschooled!'

"Four out of five doctors recommend that you get up and get some exercise."

Devils in hell bang on the ceiling as the angels upstairs are being too noisy.

Pinocchio on a date: "Before this goes any further, you should know that I've got fungal rot."

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'

'Achoo! I can't believe I'm allergic to sand. I bet this doesn't end well...'

Man falling off bike at finish line.

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

The result of taking too much soda to correct acidity

You can't have everything darling, where would you put it?