Comedically Inclined People Gifts

"Sign here please." "Scorpio?"

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'This chair ain't big enough for the both of us.'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

"What fly?"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

"5 second rule!"

'Dang! The water's expired.' (Spring Water).

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

Clown Firing Squad.

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'Stop biting your nails son and get to sleep!'

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

Pinocchio on a date: "Before this goes any further, you should know that I've got fungal rot."

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'

Devils in hell bang on the ceiling as the angels upstairs are being too noisy.

'Dr Phil sez, if I'm gittin' the milk for free, I should do the right thing and marry her!'

"Four out of five doctors recommend that you get up and get some exercise."

'Achoo! I can't believe I'm allergic to sand. I bet this doesn't end well...'

Man falling off bike at finish line.

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

Enlightenment sounds okay, but I've decided to go with willful ignorance instead!

The result of taking too much soda to correct acidity