Comedically Curious Gifts

Enlightenment sounds okay, but I've decided to go with willful ignorance instead!

'You've made me all hot, but I still don't feel very horny.'

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

Sale on Bathing Suits, One Size Fits None.

'Choose, Fenster

'Just look at him. The face that lunched on a thousand chips.'

'Wine represents all things civilized. It's an artistic expression, a manifestation of cultural enlightenment...'

'Bye dear! I'll have another nice reindeer steak ready for you when you get back.'

'Well, somebody on this stupid little planet ordered an extra-large with pepperoni and mushrooms!'

"Hair spray"

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'It's Blurred.'

"We're gonna need a bigger comic."

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

I know I'm not qualified for the job, but watch my incredible video resume anyway. It got an Honorable Mention at Cannes!

'All You Can Eat Wings.'

Sleigh Ride

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''

'When you said you were a bee keeper...'

"What fly?"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

'As you can see, the region is full of investment opportunities.'

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

The violin lesson

'Next year we'll bring the turkey.'

A guy is looking at his car that's about to go over some falls.

'Binocular, infra-red camera, directional microphone: Let's go and do some stalking...'

"Well, technically, he's supposed to draw the sword from the stone....but I'm not going to argue the point."