Comedically Conscious T-Shirts

"To be or not to be."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'Just look at him- a fool and his money are soon partying!'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

Caution. Slippery when wet.

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

"What fly?"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

A therapist reads to his patient from a joke book.

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

To insure Rodney's safe websurfing, Thelma sets her own parental controls.

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

Clown Firing Squad.

'Hi Honey! I wanted to thank you for taking the baby to day care this morning!'

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'I got the idea from a veterinarian friend of mine.'

'I've got it in pill form, but for really fast relief from panic attacks...'

'Are you crazy! The nest is made of dry grass and twigs: Smoking is a massive fire harzard!'

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'