Comedically Inclined Thinkers T-Shirts

'Is that new?' 'Yes sir, the smoke less cigarette!'

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

"To be or not to be."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

'This chair ain't big enough for the both of us.'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

Monkey Business College

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"What fly?"

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."