Comedic Resume Wrangler Gifts

'Is this your resume, or your version of War and Peace?'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

"After reviewing your resume, I don't think you should be teaching English - I think you should be study English."

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

"I plan on keeping this off my resume!"

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"You're 30 now. Where do you see yourself in five years?" "Thirty five."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

'Frankly, we're looking for someone very much unlike you.'

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"I just Googled you and found out your resume is fake!"

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

'The secret of getting a good job that fits you perfectly is letting yourself in on what that really is!'

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'