Comedic Jailbird Gifts

'When I snore, I'm put in solitary. And on nights when I don't, I'm released back into the general population.'

"White Collar Prison"

"Regards from the kids, grandma, mom and pop, uncle Fred , Aunt Theresa and cousins Harvey, Flo and Niki. They all want to know where you hid the loot."

Exhibition for Prisoners

'My biggest mistake was to make a 'death-bed confession'... then I made a full recovery!'

"I'm the first one in my family to do time."

'Smooth move -- Now we're in REAL trouble!'

'Sure I do bad things, but I do them in moderation.'

Joker in jail

"The reason I never get any visitors is because all my family and friends are in here!"

''Where do you see yourself in five years'? That's a stupid question! You know darn well I'll be finishing 5-years of a 25-year sentence!'

"Miss Robins, get me a ladder and a hacksaw, if you will, please."

'Sweetheart, your calls are slowing my early release.'

'Hey kid, what are you in for?'

'I made good money - until they added colour to the twenty dollar bills.'

Love in prison.

'It's best if you take it one day at a time.'

'It was sort of like a penalty for early withdrawal. The bank hadn't opened yet.'

"The bad news is Lady Sybil has died in childbirth. On the other hand, Bates is back home and Tom's sticking around to help run the estate."

'Your mother reckons you look like your baby photos now without your dandruff, dear.'

'Look on the bright side -- we could still be in the MARKET.'

'MY doctor says I don't get out enough!'

'Forget about it, we all try it when we arrive here, but it's a concrete floor...'

"I believe thr guv'nor used to own a boarding house in Blackpool."

Con Artist.

"It's no good you hiding, Whacker. Your release date's today and that's final!"

"It's the hard knocks life for us..."

'This kookaburra he's talking to-they're AUSTRALIAN aren't they?'

'There. Now you have the job security you've always wanted.'

'So what's your recommendation? I suggest a tunnel.'