Comedic Culinary Fan Gifts

'Please help yourselves to the salad bar, folks.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'Do you call this spaghetti'

'Where do you want to go for breakfast, fancy an Australian or do you want to nip over to Hawaii?'

'Do you want toast with that?'

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

Ordering Food At A French Restaurant.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'Ooh girl, he may look like a potato, but he moves like a yam!'

Road Kill Cafe.

Grand rounds vs. ground rounds.

Cafe offers corn several ways.

"Hmmm, I'm not sure – I’ll ask our chef when he sobers up."

"Apologies for the delay. Your eggs Benedict should be up soon."

'Aw, cool! Look! They got us a hot tub!'

'I think the microwave has finally given up the ghost.'

Dessert Storm Veteran

'I know you're in a hurry, so I ran all the leftovers through the blender.'

Cedric instantly regretted 'pumping up the jam...'

"With this table monitor, you can watch the chefs prepare your meal. Look, another slice of frozen lasagna being microwaved."

'A dozen bagels, please. For here.'

"Fancy a take-a-way tonight ?"

The Cheese God

"Hate to break it to you, buddy, but I'm your better in every way - spicier, zestier, more fun, and Latino."

'Waiter, please bring that glass of water soon.'

"Pepper spray?"

'Whoever called this job WAITING obviously never did it!'

'What price range did you have in mind?'

"Look, I’m sorry - it’s not Asian fusion night!"

"I fear this place is going downhill."