Culinary Comedy Fan Gifts

"But everybody working in the kitchen today is bald. I don't know HOW you got a hair in your food!!!"

'And this is Mario Batali. Of course, he's not the Mario Batali.'

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'They love to watch us make pizza, but never come in and order one.'

'Bouillabaisse!'

The Chicken's Revenge.

How to watch television wo getting spaghetti sauce, , ,

The new microwave has been a great time-saver for Monica, she can burn dinner and still have plenty of time to make restaurant reservations

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'I always suspected he was a no good egg-beater!'

The X-Tractor.

'We had to cancel the shish-ka-bob - Our chef isn't allowed to handle sharp objects.'

"With this table monitor, you can watch the chefs prepare your meal. Look, another slice of frozen lasagna being microwaved."

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

Cedric instantly regretted 'pumping up the jam...'

"Oops, sorry! I thought I was at my other job as pizza chef!"

"How did I end up with all these pancakes?"

'There you go - All OK now'

"Everything, I take it, will be al dente."

'The man from Findus won't be interested in us as long as we remember to moo.'

"This is how it works. If you burn the fish it's "blackened cajun delight". And if you can't be stuffed cooking it, it's called Sashimi!"

'Waiter, please bring that glass of water soon.'

"Look out it's the naked Chef!"

Now we know --- It's good for making toast, not good for heating up meatloaf!

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"Apologies for the delay. Your eggs Benedict should be up soon."

"No thanks - I choked to death on one of those."

"Pepper spray?"

"Hmmm, I'm not sure – I’ll ask our chef when he sobers up."

"Look, I’m sorry - it’s not Asian fusion night!"

"You're not supposed to eat the bay leaf."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Wife: 'Ah, honey.....why are you covered in raw fish and rice?' Husband: 'Oh I was running late for the 6:15 and got on a darn sush train by mistake!'

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"