Comedic Couple Sagas Gifts

This pregnancy thing just isn't working out, Steve - I can't use my laptop!

'They all laughed when I told them that I was going to marry a magician.'

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

Diving Cat.

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

After the gun ban, the guys still liked to go out and horse around on weekends.

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

"The blow drier is broken."

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"Alien life-form or not, those dishes won't wash themselves up!"

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

"You lick, I'll dry."

"Sorry I'm late: I was hitching a ride but when the driver noticed me, he panicked and we had an accident..."

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

'Since we were first married, I vowed I'd never let Jim see me slopping around in the mornings with my hair in curlers!'

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."

We never go out anymore.

"Try to remember to flex your ankles and if possible walk up and down the room."

Searching for condom.

'That holiday I booked for my wife to the Galapagos Islands? She found her way back, so can we try another destination?'

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

"I said I wanted to see you in skimpy clothes..."

'How can I miss you if you won't go away!'

'How about some marital counselling, hon? Should we grab some while we're in this aisle?' 'No, we're fine on that.'

"You bring the tequila, and I'll bring the Lyme."