Comedic Applicant Gifts

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

"What fly?"

"You have $3,098 in the bank? I'm impressed! So...do you think about investing it?"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

"He's a super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis."

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

'I havn't finished last years Marathon yet...'

"When I said the surgery was minimally invasive I wasn't talking about your finances."

How cats see their home

"5 second rule!"

Clown Firing Squad.

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

'Work the ring! Use the Jab! Watch out for the left hook! And turn off your iPod.'

Flying Ear Specialist

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

Alexander Graham Bell receives his first telephone call.

"The Bible . . . that would be under self-help."

Invested pot of gold in the stock market.

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'

Devils in hell bang on the ceiling as the angels upstairs are being too noisy.