Comedic Investor Gifts

Invested pot of gold in the stock market.

"What is it about me that makes people mistrust my investment advice?"

"I'm thinking of investing. Do you invest?"

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

"You have $3,098 in the bank? I'm impressed! So...do you think about investing it?"

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"It would appear they worshipped the almighty dollar."

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

Sorry, Rudy, no way can I raise your pay to $15 an hour. Why not? 'Cause that would destroy jobs. What would you do for a job once I moved the caf

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

At The Clown Bank.

Tree growing

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

"So that's my presentation: Could I have 100 million for the startup?"

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'