Comedy Investor Gifts

'Is there any way to invest in late fees?'

Investing in a funny market

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"He downgraded Apple."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

"You have $3,098 in the bank? I'm impressed! So...do you think about investing it?"

The New Square Mile Regulator.

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

Large cap funds

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."