College Aspirations Gifts

"I'm just saying B's are okay."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

"If I made as much as him, I could retire in a couple of days"

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

'The school. My counselor told me to make the most of it...'

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"My papie says I'm going to be the first in my family to go to college!"

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

"One day she'll be a wonderful architect."

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

'And here's my collection of stock in DiscoCorp... or as I call it, your college fund.'

'That's all there is in my college fund? That won't even buy the beer!'

I got into the college everyone wants to go to! Well played. It's the perfect fit for me! Way to go! Eco-Club. Which one is it? Dunno. Why do you care? So I don't apply there!

'When I grow up, Grandpa, I want to be just like you...retired!'

"So what happened between you and Estella?"

'Junior wrote his first memo today!'

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

'When I grow up, if I don't become a pro basketball player, about about 'spin doctor'?'

I'm freaking out! Thursday is dress rehearsal. Nerves? Work! I've got a math and history test on Friday. Why did I ever sign up for the spring musical? Because it's fun? West Fester High School. On my college application it'll look like I had fun. It'll go with your "Looks aren't important" essay.

"Well, Clive, what I REALLY want to do it wait on tables."

Gracie goes over to the college recruitment tent at a carnival.

'As much time and effort as he puts into this job, you'd think there was some money in it.'

"My dad doesn't nag me enough about going to college."

'Well, Gosh...! How did you know I was an incoming freshman...?'

Boho Bribes

'I'm working on a ten year degree. Four years in school, and six years to pay off my student loans.'

"Do you think about life after high school? Like...what are you taking when you go to college?"

Adjunct educator substitute teacher.

Waiting to be discovered, or taken to work, whichever comes first...

'My kid is going to Harvard, and Jim's son to Stanford- which college accepted yoyr kid, Fred? ( pix of clown on desk)

'If you aren't careful, son, you'll be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'