College Hopefuls Gifts

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

'Desert island cartoons - and you?'

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'Why not take some time off after high school...travel a bit...get a job...make some money...pay your own way through college.'

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"My papie says I'm going to be the first in my family to go to college!"

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

'And here's my collection of stock in DiscoCorp... or as I call it, your college fund.'

"The extent of your extracurricular activities in high school, may very well be participation in regular program of oral hygiene using an effective decay preventaative tooth paste, but that won't get you into a good university."

I got into the college everyone wants to go to! Well played. It's the perfect fit for me! Way to go! Eco-Club. Which one is it? Dunno. Why do you care? So I don't apply there!

I'm interning at town hall for my college transcript. Cool. I'm taking AP classes to boost my GPA. How about you, Twig? I'm working at my dad's nursery. What do you get out of that? Money. Novel idea!

'That's all there is in my college fund? That won't even buy the beer!'

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

Gracie goes over to the college recruitment tent at a carnival.

I'm freaking out! Thursday is dress rehearsal. Nerves? Work! I've got a math and history test on Friday. Why did I ever sign up for the spring musical? Because it's fun? West Fester High School. On my college application it'll look like I had fun. It'll go with your "Looks aren't important" essay.

Contest to enter the University

'I'm working on a ten year degree. Four years in school, and six years to pay off my student loans.'

"My dad doesn't nag me enough about going to college."

'Well, Gosh...! How did you know I was an incoming freshman...?'

'If you aren't careful, son, you'll be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

"Do you think about life after high school? Like...what are you taking when you go to college?"

Adjunct educator substitute teacher.

"Finally! Summer is here! That means we're one year closer to college!"

'I'm sorry but we don't have athletic scholarships for video games.'

College of Arts and Sciences (and a few things to fall back on).

"I'm leaning towards NYU."

"Cheer up, Nicole! What does Princeton know? Say, you got any plans for that last bit of cobbler?"

"It's all set. We both have enough credits to go to college."

"Gracie, you do not need a cell phone. Little girls like you don't get important phone calls."

It's soo competitive! I'll never get into college! Don't worry, honey. You have plenty of time to prepare. Thanks, mom. Wow! Look at the tuition hikes and financial aid cuts. Don't worry. You have plenty of time to prepare. True. I deposited $10 just the other week.

We know being raised by wolves isn't ideal, but think of the amazing essay you'll have on your college application!