University Hopeful Gifts

'I'm sorry but we don't have athletic scholarships for video games.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"While we certainly congratulate you on your acceptance to the University of Hawaii, Sandra..."

"This statement from your headmaster says that you can easily get a good degree...your bank manager says you can't."

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

'I know the answer. I just need a moment to come to grips with it.'

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

"My papie says I'm going to be the first in my family to go to college!"

'OKAY, okay Sandra, I'll PAY for your University course. But it BETTER NOT cost me an arm and a leg!...'

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

'And here's my collection of stock in DiscoCorp... or as I call it, your college fund.'

I got into the college everyone wants to go to! Well played. It's the perfect fit for me! Way to go! Eco-Club. Which one is it? Dunno. Why do you care? So I don't apply there!

'That's all there is in my college fund? That won't even buy the beer!'

"The extent of your extracurricular activities in high school, may very well be participation in regular program of oral hygiene using an effective decay preventaative tooth paste, but that won't get you into a good university."

'But Marvin, you can't be a college graduate for a living!'

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

Universidad

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

Romney refines his platform.

I'm freaking out! Thursday is dress rehearsal. Nerves? Work! I've got a math and history test on Friday. Why did I ever sign up for the spring musical? Because it's fun? West Fester High School. On my college application it'll look like I had fun. It'll go with your "Looks aren't important" essay.

'I'm working on a ten year degree. Four years in school, and six years to pay off my student loans.'

"My dad doesn't nag me enough about going to college."

'Well, Gosh...! How did you know I was an incoming freshman...?'

'You're never going to follow me in my trade, Son - you may as well go to university.'

"Let's face it Simkins, the only way you'll ever get to medical school is by donating your body to science."

'If you aren't careful, son, you'll be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

"Do you think about life after high school? Like...what are you taking when you go to college?"

"When you get to Uni be sure to let that hair down responsibly."

'Yale's my first choice but any ivy school will do.'

As he picked up the video game controller, the trap was sprung, and Ryan's mother forced him to fill out college applications.