Prestigious School Hopeful Gifts

"...and the shepherd boy never got into any of the really good schools."

"The teacher expects too much of me. She wants me to give it the old college try, and I'm only in grade school."

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

'It's my application to Harvard...'

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

"I'd put his name down for Eton if I could spell it!"

I got into the college everyone wants to go to! Well played. It's the perfect fit for me! Way to go! Eco-Club. Which one is it? Dunno. Why do you care? So I don't apply there!

'My parents couldn't afford to send me to college, so they let me spend a night at a Ramada.'

"The counselor wasn't much help about getting into college. All he said was to study hard and get good grades."

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

A girl climbs a ladder of books

'I don't want to rob the rich anymore, Marian, I want to BE the rich.'

"I went to college knowing I wanted to be an astronaut. My parents had only a third-grade education. But they were good teachers. They taught me the importance of hard work...of perseverance...of not being afraid to dream."

I'm freaking out! Thursday is dress rehearsal. Nerves? Work! I've got a math and history test on Friday. Why did I ever sign up for the spring musical? Because it's fun? West Fester High School. On my college application it'll look like I had fun. It'll go with your "Looks aren't important" essay.

"My dad doesn't nag me enough about going to college."

"Let's face it Simkins, the only way you'll ever get to medical school is by donating your body to science."

'I'm sorry but we don't have athletic scholarships for video games.'

"You got 136? It says here you're genius if you get a 132."

How was your college tour? Good. Now I need straight A's and 375 extracurriculars to get in. You're exaggerating. Easy for you to say. You've got a 4.0. Yeah, but

"To be or not to be."

"It's all set. We both have enough credits to go to college."

"That's Ruffles, our I.Q.-sniffing dog."

'Of course, that's just an estimate for your children's college costs.'

Unpublished Authors of the Big Bangs Theory

"While we certainly congratulate you on your acceptance to the University of Hawaii, Sandra..."

"Well, I think it's good that he wants to go to university."

"I think we'd better enjoy these table scraps while we can. . . I heard the older child say she wanted to go to college!"

"I'm doing my part to inspire a blue ribbon school."

"Papi, I'm planning my future. How much money do you have in my college fund?"

"Would a beard make me look more academic?"

"They're not rich-rich, but they're rich enough so that we wouldn't feel uncomfortable around them."

'I can go to college after all if you increase my allowance to $50,000.'

"My dad's on my case again about going to college."