College Contender Gifts

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

Contest to enter the University

'Desert island cartoons - and you?'

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

"Sorry mum, but I just don't get the decimal system..."

"Excuse me, Professor. I think I might have spotted a flaw in your theory!"

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

Yale makes better lock than rival Harvard.

'And from this point follow me very carefully.'

Lost Season

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

The Thurston State Hornets make their entry onto the field.

Enrollment limited to college varsity athletes.

I'm freaking out! Thursday is dress rehearsal. Nerves? Work! I've got a math and history test on Friday. Why did I ever sign up for the spring musical? Because it's fun? West Fester High School. On my college application it'll look like I had fun. It'll go with your "Looks aren't important" essay.

Gracie goes over to the college recruitment tent at a carnival.

'I've gotten over my fear of tests, but now I seem to have developed studying anxiety.'

'...no you can't phone a friend!'

"I can't decide whether to turn pro first or go directly into rehab."

"Why are you studying? Go outside and practice shooting three pointers, so you can ear big bucks like Steph Curry."

"Papi, will I be the first in our family to go to college?"

"Cheer up, Nicole! What does Princeton know? Say, you got any plans for that last bit of cobbler?"

Lawyers Playing Tennis

"It's all set. We both have enough credits to go to college."

Can you tell me how to sue you for flunking me out of law school?

'There's more to life than winning. There's also getting schools to pay you a share of their ticket and sports memorabilia sales.'

How was your college tour? Good. Now I need straight A's and 375 extracurriculars to get in. You're exaggerating. Easy for you to say. You've got a 4.0. Yeah, but

NCAA Applications

'...If you really loved me, you'd transfer me to a preschool with a winning team.'

"That's Ruffles, our I.Q.-sniffing dog."

'That's required reading' - University Tuition.

Nigel Adkins

'I think you'll find that's checkmate for you too, Sir.'

'Marriage teaches you loyalty and tolerance...'-'Things you don't need if you are single.'

"I don't do well on standardized testing. I blame it on standardized tests."