Collector Of Irony Pillows

I swear, this is my last cigarette!

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

A Q&A with President Obama over jobs

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Hell, George - they even miss ME!"

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Ok, ok, climate change is not a hoax!"

"Don't forget to rate us on stable-BnB."

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

Before disposing of useless information please make file copies.

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The water desk

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

'... But, wouldn't that be kind of like, cannibalism?'

"It would appear they worshipped the almighty dollar."

"My God—I've forgotten the number of my Swiss bank account!"

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

Slave Drivers.

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'