Fan Of Irony Pillows

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

A Cold Snap

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

'If I had only met you when you were still a heavy gambler, and I was still a bookie.'

'Unbelievable, you can destroy the universe with a single blow...'

'No! No! No! I don't want to die. . . Then why are you carrying that enormous scythe?'

"Talk about a bad day...I bought someone's stolen identity and it turned out to be mine."

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

Congress and the Four Day Week.

'Relax, it's my night off.'

'Say something funny,'

'We received this letter opener in the mail today, unfortunately we have no way of getting to it.'

'Fundamentalist mormons attact a box of tea-bags'

The outside of a museum with a banner that reads "Nothing by you".

'It's not much of a story. Grew up dirt-poor. Started my own landscaping business. Stole some dirt.'

Beware of the Consumer.

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

What's wrong with me? I'm sure it's nothing. What's nothing? Absolutely nothing to worry about. "I'm sure it's nothing" are the evilest words in medicine!!! That's actually true.

"It appears to have been done with a key to the city, which narrows the suspects."

"I told him it wouldn't kill him to try to be nice once in a while, but I was wrong."

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

End the Winter Blues

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

"Daisy, that fall broke my leg pretty badly. You need to go get help, girl - oh, what a big stretch! Who’s a good stretcher? Daisy’s a good stretcher! What a good girl…"

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."