Collector Of Irony Mugs

I swear, this is my last cigarette!

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

A Q&A with President Obama over jobs

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"Hell, George - they even miss ME!"

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"Behold! My greatest improvement to fatherhood. She cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, burps, and farts. What's more...she self-identifies as a father!"

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Don't forget to rate us on stable-BnB."

"Ok, ok, climate change is not a hoax!"

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

Before disposing of useless information please make file copies.

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

When Someone Says Biden Sucks, You Are Supposed to Have a Good Answer

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"It would appear they worshipped the almighty dollar."

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

The water desk

'... But, wouldn't that be kind of like, cannibalism?'

"My God—I've forgotten the number of my Swiss bank account!"

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

'Don't be so sexist, sweet cheeks.'