Irony Collector Pillows

'You seem to be suffering a reaction to the amount of medication you're taking. I'll see what I can prescribe for that!'

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

Well, you're in luck! Even though you're totally overqualified for the job, that's balanced by all the horrible things your references said about you.

'I you hadn't written the car off. . . I could visit you more often.'

'Amazing! I thought they were more or less extinct!'

'Tell you what - you've really caught the sun to-day.'

Aggression Therapy Seminar

"This school discriminates. Did you know if you don't turn in homework, you can get an 'F'? These unfair policies obviously target the disadvantaged."

Climate-Conscious Cartoonists Work Without Paper!

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

A Q&A with President Obama over jobs

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

'Bert's dog training.'

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"