Ironic Collectors Pillows

'You have a file cabinet full of recipes you're printed off. The only way 99% of them will ever make it into our stomachs is if we the printer paper.'

'If you're such a great artist how come I can't buy any of your stuff on a mug?'

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

I accepted an early retirement buy out and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

"Don't forget to rate us on stable-BnB."

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

'The Algenist meets the Alchemist.'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

'I am a bit concerned about what you meant when you said: LET'S DO LUNCH...'

Fourth quarter earnings down, please help.

Aggression Therapy Seminar

'Success! We created a drug that is effective, quick-acting, and expensive.'

Blind date with girl with elephant trunk for nose

Affirmative response executive - Remember when they were just called 'yes-men'?

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

"Don't mention it."

'Amazing! I thought they were more or less extinct!'

Help Wanted: Faith Healer Healthcare Provider.

"I have nothing to hide."

British PM David Cameron resigns

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

Climate-Conscious Cartoonists Work Without Paper!

'Would you knock it off with the 'woulda-coulda-shoulda'!'

Artist throws paint at a canvas and is amazed to find that the result is the "Whistler's Mother" painting.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather just get the vaccine?"

'You seem to be suffering a reaction to the amount of medication you're taking. I'll see what I can prescribe for that!'

'You've got some nerve barging in here demanding my staff drop everything and do handstands for you!'

'Sure it's an impressive collection. Too bad they're all overdue library books.'

'We are here to remove a blockage in your bank account.'

"This is for a dissatisfaction survey. On a scale of minus one to minus ten, how bad have we made it for you down here?"

'You indulge in all the deadly sins. You have to expect a few health problems.'