Ironical Gifts Collector Pillows

"After 35 years of Diligent service...management present you with this award." -MUG

Speed Dating for Turtles

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Cheeze Wiz.

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'Ugh Look The whole garden is just one giant cat toilet'

Ball as water-melon.

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

Kissing the Fish

Balloon dog poos.

"It's our most popular gift - a helium cookie."

'Head down...eye on the ball...'

"Gerald converted the barbecue grill to natural gas."

'I had no idea would be a choice.'

'Six years ago you received a complimentary set of steak knives. You thought they were free didn't you Jimmy?...'

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

State of the Art Dog.

Cat has swallowed computer mouse.

'No, don't tell me...split personality.'

'Okay,stay close, and stay alert! Looks like we're heading into BIG CAT COUNTRY!'

"Well thank you, and may I say you look quite handsome too..."

The Portrait of Dorian Gray after one year in lockdown.

Chameleon and TV

"Ah yes… this is Mr Shipley, our new head of strategically placed objects."

"Are you the pickle guy or the baby guy?"

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"Maybe that metal device we found with the paleolithic stone tools WAS a ray gun!"

Joe's Truckstop Diner: Eat In - Take Out - Poop somewhere else.

"For the missus or yourself?"

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'Not till you're sixteen.'

Odorant