Ironical Gifts Collector Pillows

"After 35 years of Diligent service...management present you with this award." -MUG

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'Ugh Look The whole garden is just one giant cat toilet'

Ball as water-melon.

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

Kissing the Fish

Balloon dog poos.

"It's our most popular gift - a helium cookie."

'I had no idea would be a choice.'

'Six years ago you received a complimentary set of steak knives. You thought they were free didn't you Jimmy?...'

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

State of the Art Dog.

'Okay,stay close, and stay alert! Looks like we're heading into BIG CAT COUNTRY!'

'No, don't tell me...split personality.'

The Portrait of Dorian Gray after one year in lockdown.

Cat has swallowed computer mouse.

"Well thank you, and may I say you look quite handsome too..."

Chameleon and TV

"Ah yes… this is Mr Shipley, our new head of strategically placed objects."

"For the missus or yourself?"

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

"Maybe that metal device we found with the paleolithic stone tools WAS a ray gun!"

Joe's Truckstop Diner: Eat In - Take Out - Poop somewhere else.

'Not till you're sixteen.'

Odorant

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"Anatomy of a cat"