Ironic Gift Connoisseur Pillows

"Trigger treat!"

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'Ugh Look The whole garden is just one giant cat toilet'

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"I think you've overfed the plant!"

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

Fast Food Menus

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

So what else did you get for your birthday?

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

An Anarchist's Christmas

'The U.S. of A. - Guarantor for freedom, humanity and democracy!'

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Tunnel of Dove.

Chilli Quartet

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

"Y formerly Department of Government Efficiency"

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

Father Goldfish: 'One day Son, this will all be yours.'

Gravestone Epitaph - 'One surreal gag too far.'

"Well, who's it from? I don't take blind submissions."

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

'And you get this free.'

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

"Thank you, Darling...."

"Regift the bicycle, Charles, but put this in my Panama pile."

Actually, I'm looking for a gift that says nothing.

Jill and Ted fought to the point of complete exhaustion over the placement of, ironically, a wedding gift.

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

She collected ceramic pigs. Only one so far, but even that was one too many.