Ironic Gift Admirer Pillows

'No presents, children, because know it all Santa lost all the money on 'Christmas Cracker' in the 2.30 at Haydock.'

Lactose Intolerant

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"Shouldn't have, you really."

The Final Selfie

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"I can't afford to feed you."

He'll never melt. I made him from fast food milkshakes.

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

'First, let me apologize for suggesting you throw horseshoes as therapy.'

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

Fast Food Menus

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

Welcome centre

Tunnel of Dove.

"The 10th anniversary gift is tin. I got Ralph a new tinfoil hat. He's more sedate with the extra channels."

Chilli Quartet

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

'Oh, good - you brought The Broom of Honesty, Dignity and Self Respect.'

"Okay, hold really still..."

'And you get this free.'

"You paid to have a grain of sand named after me? You're such an idiot."

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

Old lady posts adverts for fur gloves over poster of a lost cat,

'I know we asked for a room with running water,but...'

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

A man goes insane from receiving too many ties.

"What did your tia Carmen get you for Christmas?"

Crap Stuff Shop.