Coffeeless Conqueror Gifts

8 AM in the sleeper elevator car

'I've learned a lot about myself at these meetings...like, I can fall asleep with my eyes open!'

To do before Saturday...

"Our Rupert has swopped his gaming console for bagpipes...it gets us out of the house more often."

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

Second lifeReal life.

'Hand over the last one now kid or you're getting my fist for Christmas!'

"Looting and plundering! Looting and plundering! There must be more to life!...."

'Sorry we don't do black decaf.'

"Thanks for the offer... but I'd rather see if tech support can get my computer running."

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

Boss, what would you say if I told you that if you don't give me a raise, I'll go work somewhere else? I'd say "Wouldn't it be a shame if your letter of recommendation mentioned how you're an awful employee?" And I'd say "Isn't it a shame the town council has made sure this is the only cafe within fifty miles?" But the way, have you delivered my latest care packages to the council members? Very bad man.

"Yes! I defeated the invading forces! I am master and commander... I am a warlord!"

"12 isn't a bad score on the hole. You did stray and some of those windmills are quite tricky!"

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Park? I'm stuck. Dr. Noodle. I'm paralyzed. I'm not making any progress. Honestly, I'm lost in the trees. I've lost sight of my goals. My health units are low. Units? Unseen enemies are everywhere. I can't sleep. I'm not eating. You're not making sense. Who am I kidding? You're right. The truth? Fine, I admit it. I can't get past level 5!!! I don't do video game counseling. If my mom loved me more, I'd be able to find more ammo.

'Diet Plan Rule number one: Stop using ice cream truck music as your ringtone.'

Overeaters anonymous meeting 9 to 10pm

'Here's a twist. Before you go on your quest, an insurance salesman tries to sell you life insurance. If you buy a lot you can date prettier girls.'

'You're being promoted to vice prez of personal energy management! You'll be the guy who goes out for coffee and donuts!'

The Decafé

"Here are Monsieur Limace, our sommelier, Monsiere Juron, chef de Cuisine and Mr Kruigshenk, specialist for the beheading of breakfast eggs."

'And you honey, how was your day at the PlayStation?'

'I've started this new 'Detox' diet - no caffeine or alcohol...no processed foods...

'I'm not sure I like Billy playing video games so much!'

"It's tough sticking to a diet when you're surrounded by temptation."

"Easy with that computer, Martha. It senses fear."

"You claim you're not cheating on your diet, Mr. Parker. But how do you explain this recent weight gain?"

I'm going to sports camp this summer. Same. Tap tap tap. My parents think it'll help me make varsity. That'll get me into college. Same. Tap tap tap tap tap. Got him! Nice move. Too bad we can't letter in video games.

'I've decided to help you diet. I had invisible fencing installed around the refrigerator.'

"You are right...testing shows you have chocolate in your DNA."

'Tah-DAH! -- Guess what I conquered!'

'If you experience pain and discomfort in removing the cap... double the dosage.'

"Ahhh, there's nothing like the fifteenth cup of the day."

"Thank you for your enthusiastic but WRONG example of cursive writing."

'You won't get me to sit on the couch and discuss my obsession until I straighten things up, Dr Hunter.'