Coffee Shop Regular Gifts

Coffee shop menu flow chart.

"Do me a favor, honey, and go get me a latte?"

'A dozen bagels, please. For here.'

"Great to be back at the 'office', just a glass of water for me, thanks."

"Give me coffee or give me death."

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the 'grande' size anymore without a prescription.'

Coffee tables styled as espresso, Americano and tall skinny latte.

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"NOthin ever happens round here."

The F,B,I's high-budget witness protection program-issued disguises,

Try our bottomless cup of coffee!

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

You're booting me out of the cafe? You never send money here. See the sign? No shoes, no shirt, no prob. No order, no service. I see. I'll take the sunscreen. Gross. Out! Censored.

I'd like a small coffee. One big coming up. I said a small! That's what it is. But we call it a big now. The medium is now called grandeur, and the large is the skyscraper. Yeah, and what do you call these inflated prices? Cheaper.

Ice. Oh, and can I get a side of ice with that? Pour it down the back of my shirt. It's been a really hot fall.

I'd like to sample the pumpkin spice and kale latte. You can't sample that, you order that every day. You know what it tastes like I saw you give someone else a sample. By law, you have to treat every customer the same. Sample me, sample-boy. Or else. Get out.

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Boss, customers are asking why you've doubled prices. I'm just being fair. When the cost of coffee beans go up, everyone thinks I'm justified in raising the price of coffee. But cost increases come in all shapes and sizes. What about my new 80" tv? What about my new car note? What about my manservant I just imported from London? I dream of the day when all costs can be passed on to customers equally. Greed is not a civil right issue!

Coffee. I'm exhausted. I started sleeping on my coin collection to keep it safe, and now I understand the saying "change is hard"!

It's the Dr. Sadie advice hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking nothing but Christmas-related calls. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You're on, Vancouver. What's your problem?! I'm an atheist. How come there's no national holiday for that? There is! It's called "Christmas"! The ads and the marketers have sucked everything religious out of it. Nothing in the Bible says "thou shalt shop." Good point.

"One can often infer things about the environment from the overall health of the bird population."

Like, Latte. So that's a vanilla almond with soy, extra foam, whipped cream, nutmeg, and caramel. Leave room for coffee?

Wifi in Hell

"Those new coffee drones are really starting to get on my nerves."

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

You've Had Enough!

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

National Coffee Day

Decapitated coffee.

Ye Old Cafe: No Coffee Today - Sore Arm!

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

'I'm a purist. I don't take anything in my Vanilla Mocha Dulce Latte.'

"Soy latte for 'Actually Frankenstein is the doctor I don’t have a name.'"