Coffee Shop Goer Gifts

Overly pierced man in a lot of pain.

Rudy, how come you're not wearing the new uniform? You were serious? You seriously want me to dress like a robot? Of course I do, minion. My nightly perusal of customers' web searches indicates most of them are feeling a bit antisocial lately. They'd probably buy more coffee from a robot than a human. Oh wait ... new web searches coming in. I'm going to need you to dress like a sexy robot. Very bad man.

'The doctor says I gotta cut back on caffeine. I'd better skip the bottomless cup of coffee today, Phyllis.'

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

"You don't whisper anymore."

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"Those new coffee drones are really starting to get on my nerves."

You've Had Enough!

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

'It's only 6 AM, but I want to send the kids to Wally's house before his mother sends him over here.'

Decapitated coffee.

How About Serving Us For a Change

Ye Old Cafe: No Coffee Today - Sore Arm!

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

"Soy latte for 'Actually Frankenstein is the doctor I don’t have a name.'"

'Thanks for coming out with me. I really needed a caffeine fix.'

"There's no such thing as free wi-fi."

"Guess we are going to the coffee shop!"

Kitty's Coffee Shop

Starbucks doubles its sales by devising a way to sell coffee over the Internet,

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"Six hundred Starbucks closing? Really? Is that on the East Side or West Side?"

"Introducing the Schultzaccino. Neither tea nor coffee."

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the grande size anymore without a prescription.'

Boss, customers are asking why you've doubled prices. I'm just being fair. When the cost of coffee beans go up, everyone thinks I'm justified in raising the price of coffee. But cost increases come in all shapes and sizes. What about my new 80" tv? What about my new car note? What about my manservant I just imported from London? I dream of the day when all costs can be passed on to customers equally. Greed is not a civil right issue!

"We've already had 35 people sign up for our new latte, scone and debt-consolidation loan combo. Where are you going to get all this money to loan people? Are you wearing a wire? Are you sure this is on the level? Smash your cellphone and I'll answer you."

'What do you mean, you just sell coffee? I don't understand, what kind of shop is that?'

"How are your latte art classes going?"

Coffee-Rex: Even more irritable than a Tea-Rex.