Coffee Shop Aficionado Gifts

"Would you like me to leave room for us to get back together?"

"Oh, great. ... My Aunt Donna is now on Facebook!"

ASMR for Quarantine

Your negative calorie vitamin water does not cause weight loss. That's false advertising. So you say: House of Java.net Cybercafe. Here's what I say I'm a small American businessman trying to make a living amid brutal economic times only to be rousted from my home by strong-armed federal regulators who hate liberty. Oh stop it. You look like Stalin. Call CNN.

"Say when."

'Isn't this the couch we sold at our yard sale? The one the cat peed on?'

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

Like, Latte. So that's a vanilla almond with soy, extra foam, whipped cream, nutmeg, and caramel. Leave room for coffee?

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

"Give me all the caffeine you have."

Back to work...

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"The more coffee I drink, the more these motivational posters make sense."

Joined at the hipster.

Allegro con molto espresso

You've Had Enough!

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

'Pretty strange term, market share, considering the whole object is not to.'

Non-Power Breakfast

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

'Note to self: Like coffee, homemade coffee wine should be available in decaf, too.'

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

"I love that you still call me 'honey'."

"Yuppies! There goes the hood!"

Countervailing Clichés.

"I'll have another Rob Roy and a cup of coffee for my friend here."

Law School teacher.

Mea Maxima Cuppa

"Right now it's between you and two hundred and fifty other people who came to Seattle, moved in with five roommates, joined a band, took a job in a coffee bar, got fed up, had a meeting with themselves, and decided it was time to go out and find a real job."