Coffee Shop Gifts

The Stages of Coffee Addiction

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

You've Had Enough!

"Those new coffee drones are really starting to get on my nerves."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

Decapitated coffee.

National Coffee Day

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

Ye Old Cafe: No Coffee Today - Sore Arm!

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I'm a purist. I don't take anything in my Vanilla Mocha Dulce Latte.'

"Guess we are going to the coffee shop!"

"Soy latte for 'Actually Frankenstein is the doctor I don’t have a name.'"

'Thanks for coming out with me. I really needed a caffeine fix.'

"There's no such thing as free wi-fi."

Kitty's Coffee Shop

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the grande size anymore without a prescription.'

'What do you mean, you just sell coffee? I don't understand, what kind of shop is that?'

"Six hundred Starbucks closing? Really? Is that on the East Side or West Side?"

"There you go bra. Double flat white and homage to Rothko's Seagram series."

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

"Introducing the Schultzaccino. Neither tea nor coffee."

St Bernard with Cappucino, Espresso, and Latte.

"How are your latte art classes going?"

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

The Coffee Tattoo

"We've already had 35 people sign up for our new latte, scone and debt-consolidation loan combo. Where are you going to get all this money to loan people? Are you wearing a wire? Are you sure this is on the level? Smash your cellphone and I'll answer you."

'Sorry we don't do black decaf.'