Coffee Shop Meetup Gifts

"I look forward to coming here for great tasting coffee. Every morning. . . but you are talking so loud I can't even smell it!"

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

You've Had Enough!

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the grande size anymore without a prescription.'

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

The Stages of Coffee Addiction

Target setting: 'What about 38%, we haven't used 38% for a while.'

Bookstore-Cafe: Used Book/Day-Old Croissants

"Help me on this one, Jimbo. What I want to do here is fire you."

Hipster Coffee

Coffee Overload: 'I'll have a low fat soy latte, no sugar, two biscotti...make that a Columbian-Kenyan bean bend...oh make it snappy, I'm in a hurry!'

"One skinny latte, and is that with almond milk, coconut milk, soya milk..."

'Did I wake up feeling grumpy this morning?... No, I let him sleep!'

'A dozen bagels, please. For here.'

'What are you staring at? You have free wi fi here, don't you?'

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the 'grande' size anymore without a prescription.'

'Did you ever realize that we're really drinking coffee out of large sippy cups?'

"One can often infer things about the environment from the overall health of the bird population."

"If I use twitter to communicate, does that make me a twit?"

"Great to be back at the 'office', just a glass of water for me, thanks."

"We're close to being reliant solely on renewable sources of outrage."