Coffee Shop Meetup Gifts

"I look forward to coming here for great tasting coffee. Every morning. . . but you are talking so loud I can't even smell it!"

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

Wifi in Hell

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

You've Had Enough!

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

Try Our New Slam Dunk Coffee and Donut Special.

The Stages of Coffee Addiction

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the grande size anymore without a prescription.'

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

Boss, customers are asking why you've doubled prices. I'm just being fair. When the cost of coffee beans go up, everyone thinks I'm justified in raising the price of coffee. But cost increases come in all shapes and sizes. What about my new 80" tv? What about my new car note? What about my manservant I just imported from London? I dream of the day when all costs can be passed on to customers equally. Greed is not a civil right issue!

Dateline - Caf

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

Target setting: 'What about 38%, we haven't used 38% for a while.'

"Help me on this one, Jimbo. What I want to do here is fire you."

How much for a blueberry scone? $3.25. I'll give you $1.20. Huh? $1.40. $1.45. It's not negotiable. Shrewd. $1.65. $2.00. $2.10. $2.25, but I want free shipping! Ebay addicts. $3 for your sandwich. $6.

Hipster Coffee

Darlene? Rudy? I heard you might be hanging out here. I thought I'd come by just to say hello and see how you're doing. That's nice. Coffee King. I love you. Hence Coffee King. House of Java.

Bookstore-Cafe: Used Book/Day-Old Croissants

Coffee Overload: 'I'll have a low fat soy latte, no sugar, two biscotti...make that a Columbian-Kenyan bean bend...oh make it snappy, I'm in a hurry!'

'Did I wake up feeling grumpy this morning?... No, I let him sleep!'

"One skinny latte, and is that with almond milk, coconut milk, soya milk..."

'A dozen bagels, please. For here.'

'What are you staring at? You have free wi fi here, don't you?'

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the 'grande' size anymore without a prescription.'

Try our bottomless cup of coffee!

'Did you ever realize that we're really drinking coffee out of large sippy cups?'

It's the Dr. Sadie advice hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking nothing but Christmas-related calls. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You're on, Vancouver. What's your problem?! I'm an atheist. How come there's no national holiday for that? There is! It's called "Christmas"! The ads and the marketers have sucked everything religious out of it. Nothing in the Bible says "thou shalt shop." Good point.

"One can often infer things about the environment from the overall health of the bird population."

Cocoa. Make it a double. Sure, Myles. Coming up. Here ya go. Double today, everything okay? Oh yeah, sure. What's not okay about realizing 3rd grader means a whole bunch of homework and Sally Anne Peters wanted to talk about feelings? Tell me all this weirdness ends soon. Triple on the house.

"My mom said I can't come here anymore." "What? Why not, Billy?" "She said she sends me here to get hot chocolate, not to get bad relationship advice." "What 'bad' advice? All my advice is solid gold." "You told me to call the IRS with an anonymous tip about Andrea Wheaton's father avoiding taxes, so next time he tells her I'm a bad influence he'll look like a hypocrite." "That didn't work?"