Cocktail Parties T-Shirts

"I'm ready to leave whenever you are."

"Did we mention that we spent last summer in Maine?"

"Yipes! Grownups!!"

"Right now, I'm between naps."

"It keeps me from looking at my phone every two seconds."

'Have you noticed it, too?'

"I'm a local craftsperson - I make money."

Rachel and Sarah couldn't believe they'd turned up wearing the same little black number.

"And this one is for being faithful to my wife."

"Hey, Doug! Great Party!"

"I'm in not publishing."

She's been teaching too long!

"My feeling is that while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives."

Running on Empty

"I'm Generation Z. Nice to meet you."

"We met at the minibar."

"But enough about my body. Let's talk about your body."

'I think you may have misunderstood the invitation when it said 'Black Tie Only'!'

'Name tag's up here, Ma'am - I'm from the Cattlemen's Delegation.

"No bellini for me. I'm being fuled by Xanax."

"I was the first one to work completely gluten free."

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"You have no idea how refreshing it is to meet someone raffish in West Hartford."

"She introduces herself as Drosophila Melanogaster, but everyone knows she's just a common fruit fly."

"I know - it takes skill to sneak a peek at their tiny tags when you can't remember their names."

"I won't suffer fools gladly. Yourself excepted, of course."

"I just got into a serious relationship. . . with the Southern District of New York."

"The two of you should have lots to talk about."

"I'm not really an actor; I just play one on TV."

'I strive to remember people's names to make them feel guilty about forgetting mine.'

"Aperitif?"

Management consultants annual face to face interpersonal relationship development party.

'I think it's finally accurate to say that literally everyone is misusing the word 'literally'.'

"That's the first spontaneous thing Stephen's done for years!"

"Those people look snobby."