Coalition Chuckler Gifts

'So, Cameron and Clegg have formed a coition.' - 'Sorry, coalition.' - 'Reminder to self. 'No more cheese before bed time.''

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'It's another squirrel - from the park. I warned you not to start feeding them.'

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

"The cookies are always stale."

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

"Oh, oh - looks like a blue shift."

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow finally landed on the moon.

Keyboard in Heaven

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''

'No kidding? You don't wear anything underneath either?'

'They come down here to smoke.'

He's very defensive about his personal space.

"Wow, that thing is bright! Glad we wore our sunglasses!"

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

"Check it out. Nirvana. And on my phone, no less."

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

'What about change? Do you have any change in your pockets?'

'Does the suicide clause apply if he eats himself to death?'

'Bless you!'

'I'm actually a soy milky way.'

"He says masks are mandatory to enter. Should we try the other place instead?"

"What's all this I've been hearing about the Cloud?"

'They've been hitting the blocking sled three times as hard since I put up that bust of that nut-job business teacher, Mrs. Sisk.'