Congregation Chuckler Gifts

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

'Golly, is it that time already?'

Sermon - why our religion is really better than yours.

'It's another squirrel - from the park. I warned you not to start feeding them.'

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

"I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon."

'Look, Brother Timothy - a sign from God!'

"We learned in Sunday School about how Cain whacked Abel."

"...lettuce pray."

"Turn to page 12 for our non-binary singalong."

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

Keyboard in Heaven

"That was a good sermon...but I'd have settled for a soundbite."

The sermon was so boring the Preacher put himself to sleep.

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

'Today's sermon is on the Gospel according to old Saint Matt....'

Man sees line of priests entering Mass Transit Authority.

Missing Parsons.

Error 404: the saviour you're looking for has been removed.

"You think I'm a loose canon, Don't you."

'So, Cameron and Clegg have formed a coition.' - 'Sorry, coalition.' - 'Reminder to self. 'No more cheese before bed time.''

"Say Jeeeeeez!"

Church: Built by Guilt.

Ecclesiastical Eye Test