Session Chuckler Gifts

"The cookies are always stale."

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

One way only.

"The subwoofers really help."

"Mr. Evans, it's a speeding ticket. You can't plea insanity."

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

"...And now show us what you said."

The Big Four debate banking ethics

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'You want a second opinion? -- Oh, a big shot, eh?'

"It's weeder's elbow."

"It's all very well being healed, but that mobility scooter cost a fortune."

'So, Cameron and Clegg have formed a coition.' - 'Sorry, coalition.' - 'Reminder to self. 'No more cheese before bed time.''

'Does the suicide clause apply if he eats himself to death?'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Thank God for the misfits and dregs of society!

'Hey - I was in line first! There you go again...messing up the pecking order!'

"No. I blew the interview when I sniffed the interviewer's behind."

"For parking in a handicap space, I sentence you to 30 days in a wheelchair!'

'There's a policeman here who thinks I shouldn't be talking on the cellphone while driving.'

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

"Sad, isn't it? And he won't admit he has a problem."

'Your dog's paper trained too, huh?'

"I think he wants you to listen for awhile."

Father Parrot: 'One day Son, this will all be yours.'

'...and I promise not to make any rash promises...OOPS!'

Waiting In Doctor's Office

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

'He's got a point.'

'I dunno. Looks like some kind of milking machine but she's wearing it all wrong.'

'Yes, but his ID card is valid.'