Clubhouse Chatter Gifts

'I'm not asking you for a rough estimate. I want an exact number.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"So is that a slice of a hook? I never know which is which."

"He couldn't sink that last putt, so now he's trying to drown it."

Frontispiece to the first volume of 'Master Humphrey's Clock'

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

Disco Bunny.

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

The Club

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

"Let's discuss this feeling that you're always being blamed for bad golf scores!"

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Better get back to business and take your mind off golf for a change.'

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

'I was given a ton of great career advice when I graduated from college. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it because my entire brain is filled with passwords and PIN numbers.'

"And another thing. When they start telling you 'You've still got it,' you don't."

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

19th Hole.

"I'll be glad to see the back of winter - I'm sick of having to wear so much on a night out."

"Omigod, you have such a cute smile!"

Men talking in a club house

'Yeah, but did you hear the crowd roar when I hooked the cape out of your hands?'

Cybergoths.

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

'I've never been superstitious...touch wood'

"No, I've never been to the Hamptons, but I have been in hellish traffic."