Tavern Chatter Gifts

'Not only did life pass me by -- it also wrote down my license plate number!'

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"So is that a slice of a hook? I never know which is which."

"It's finally happened - Tom Hanks was in every movie this year."

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

"I keep telling her she should do something with her stupid little online pieces."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Wouldn't it be cool to live in the middle ages, Randy? We could roam the countryside on horses and carry swords?"

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

"He couldn't sink that last putt, so now he's trying to drown it."

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

"Yeah, I'm selling my bowling balls. Free delivery to anyone who lives downhill."

'I was given a ton of great career advice when I graduated from college. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it because my entire brain is filled with passwords and PIN numbers.'

"And another thing. When they start telling you 'You've still got it,' you don't."

Hugh - From Barnaby Rudge

"Omigod, you have such a cute smile!"

"Actually, I'd love to work on Mars, but it's a hell of a commute."

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

'Yeah, but did you hear the crowd roar when I hooked the cape out of your hands?'

Men talking in a club house

'I've never been superstitious...touch wood'

"No, I've never been to the Hamptons, but I have been in hellish traffic."

"Wine improves with age."

"It's where I grew up, Diane. A sleepy little town where everybody knows what everybody else is doing, and blogs about it 24/7!"