Cocktail Chatter Gifts

"No, I've never been to the Hamptons, but I have been in hellish traffic."

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'I'm 50 percent lovable and 50 percent bitch. Don't push it.'

"It's SO nice to meet a man who doesn't have a one-track mind..."

'One more for me an Tiffany, and one more for you and the road.'

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Actually, I don't get out much. I spend most of my time alone, writing lyrical novels celebrating nature and the interconnectedness of all living things!'

"Wanna get pigeon holed?"

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

"It's discretionary income but I occasionally use it for indiscretions."

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

"I unleash greed, disease, and death on the world, and you're saying you ate an apple that made you smart?"

"I keep telling her she should do something with her stupid little online pieces."

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

"Oh I don't think it's as bad as all that. In fact, I think we're in the golden age of something which we won't even realize it's the golden age of until many years from now."

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

"Do you think of yourself as a spiritual person?"

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

"I got married once - to avoid writing."

'Fill 'er up!'

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

'I think it's finally accurate to say that literally everyone is misusing the word 'literally'.'

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

"I was quite a successful writer once...what sort of books are you interested in?"

"Everything has been done to death."

"As if we didn't already know too much about ourselves, we're having our DNA done."

Voting on their Seats

'I was given a ton of great career advice when I graduated from college. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it because my entire brain is filled with passwords and PIN numbers.'

"He's your type--gorgeous, successful, and totally unavailable."

"How can we reduce red tape and promote market forces?"