Cocktail Conversationist Gifts

She's been teaching too long!

Dickens & Tolstoy Walk into a Bar: " . . . so, to make a short story long . . . "

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Actually, I don't get out much. I spend most of my time alone, writing lyrical novels celebrating nature and the interconnectedness of all living things!'

"How is the dollar trading against the Martini today, Jack?"

'The first cocktail.'

"I was surprised myself, but living apart, seeing other people, and having virtually nothing to do with each other actually has made our marriage stronger."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"Wanna get pigeon holed?"

Bar Therapy

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

"I keep telling her she should do something with her stupid little online pieces."

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

"It's Olive isn't it?"

"It's discretionary income but I occasionally use it for indiscretions."

"I unleash greed, disease, and death on the world, and you're saying you ate an apple that made you smart?"

"Oh I don't think it's as bad as all that. In fact, I think we're in the golden age of something which we won't even realize it's the golden age of until many years from now."

'I think it's finally accurate to say that literally everyone is misusing the word 'literally'.'

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

"I got married once - to avoid writing."

'Fill 'er up!'

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

"Everything has been done to death."

"I'll have an entendre...make it a double."

"Do you think of yourself as a spiritual person?"

"Paved in gold? Oh my, no. With out crumbling infrastructure we're doing well if the streets are paved at all."

Freud's Bar: Introspection Hour.

"It was very amicable—I gave her everything."

"As if we didn't already know too much about ourselves, we're having our DNA done."

"I was quite a successful writer once...what sort of books are you interested in?"

Have you been living in the moment, Al? Living in the moment? I thought you said I should be living it up in the moment! Frankly, the hangovers are killing me!

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

"He's your type--gorgeous, successful, and totally unavailable."