Club Comic Gifts

'For some reason they've nailed the mike to the floor.'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

Zombie standup

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'We're taking over tonight, it's the only way to save the farm.'

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

'Hawaii can wait. These reports cannot.'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

'You'll be broadening up your horizons in a cubicle.'

Sober Tooth Tiger

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

"Do kids eat free?"

"Would you like to try them out?"