Comedy Clubber Gifts

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

The wolves' annual convention had barely started when Betty began to heckle the speaker.

"We're running a bit short of time tonight, so let's skip the questions and go right to the answers."

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

The whine of the month selection - Why me?

'Well, yes, Bob, I can see your point!'

"How about one more round of 'God Bless America' before we bring out the naked broads."

"My guess is you've been telling too many sick jokes."

Robin Williams

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

American Express Credit Card

'I prefer realistic toasts.'

"No, I'm a transplant."

'Tortoise and the ne'er-do-well...'

"Thanks, guys! This is great! Room for my photos and credit car - Whoa! Hold on! This thing's genuine cowhide!"

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

'He's only hired to do the run. I still do the cool down.'

'Ok, don't talk to this guy! Larry told me not to trust the chicken in this place!'

'When I grow up, I can't decide whether to go into consumer fraud or internet scam.'

Gangsta wrap.

"OF COURSE I know when to stop - I pass out!!"

"Do kids eat free?"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

"Our breast implants are filled with helium so in addition to larger breasts you will also weigh less."

'It all started when I was teaching him the basics: Sit, stay, beg. But when I said speak...'

'It will bring economic benefits to the North and Midlands.'

'I just heard the President's State of the Union Address, and I have to admit that it's a hard act to follow... and I say that as a stand-up comic!'

'The only good advice I got all day was from my GPS.'

'You drink like a fish.' - 'Yes, but I don't drink what fishes drink.'

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'Well, our company has got a praiseworthy history. Dukes, Counts, members of the parliament, famous artists, leading industrialists... they already sued us!'

'...then the wolf fell into a vat of sheep-dip...but sheariously, folks...'

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

I don't care if you have a ticket - hop it.

'I got twenty years for abduction, what about you?'